In a recent poll from the American Psychiatric Association, at least one-third of Americans said they feel lonely every week. Experts have called loneliness a public health epidemic.
And between technology, worsening social divides, and systemic inequities, successfully connecting with other human beings feels worthy of a Nobel Prize.
The disconnect we feel with one another, the fear we find in our division, and the isolation of suffering in our silos can make it feel impossible to improve our material conditions.
Even if we know how to make a difference in the world, feeling like we’re doing it alone — or worse, that we’re the only ones who care — keeps us from doing anything at all.
It’s clear: We must be vulnerable enough to build bonds within our communities — to help and be helped.
“There’s a connection between social skills and helping one another,” Danielle Bayard Jackson, TikTok’s resident “friendship expert,” and author of the book “Fighting for Our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships,” said.
“When we feel comfortable, we feel more confident to ask for help. Communities thrive on exchanges and gestures of support and solidarity. It’s communal, and it’s reciprocal, and there’s trust there. I trust that if I give to you, I’m not stressed about you being immediately reciprocal. I trust that eventually, it’ll come back around to me in some way. That’s what a lot of us are looking for. But social skills are the things that help to get us started.”
Jackson knows it can be hard to reconnect in a lonely world. So, she imparted some advice to build the social skills that are ultimately the bedrock of a better future.
Ask your people how you can show up better.
Many of us often think of “building community” as expanding our social circles or making new friends, but Jackson said that work can happen in the relationships we already have.
“Ask the people who you’re already connected with, ‘How can I show up better for you?,’” she said. “Or, ‘What do you need right now?’ Even if you can’t directly supply it, ask ‘What would be the one thing that would make your life easier right now?’ Sometimes it’s just giving them the space to share that, but it might also be data that you can take to know how to better show up for them.”
The best community members aren’t mind-readers or people who can ingeniously intuit what needs to be done to improve a situation. They’re nimble, thoughtful, and considerate. They’re simply willing to show up with what they have.
Engage with strangers more.
While going deeper to build quality relationships is vital, so is meeting new people. But you also don’t have to invite everyone in the grocery store to a dinner party. Sometimes the art of community really does take place in the genuine small talk with your cashier.
This is called social cohesion, Jackson said. According to the Scanlon Foundation Research Institute, social cohesion involves building shared values, reducing disparities, and generally enabling a sense of commonality: The belief that people are members of the same community.
“I feel embedded with the people I’m with,” Jackson summarized the concept.
Creating that connective tissue requires many of us to look inward.
“How often are your fears or social anxieties causing you to withhold generous acts of saying hello or offering help?” Jackson posited.
Both Jackson and the Scanlon Institute know that a lack of social cohesion among strangers doesn’t just make it hard to meet new people, it also makes it hard to build thriving societies and democracies.
“Studies show that there’s an increasing mistrust, not only in our institutions and government, but in one another — and in America more than other countries,” Jackson said. “So, how does a general feeling of mistrust keep you from connecting with others?”
It’s worth considering — and overcoming.
Look for opportunities to improve your shared environment.
One way to connect with acquaintances is by improving where you and other people live.
“Where can you lend your voice to help shape the conditions of your environment?” Jackson poses.
Whether at work or in your neighborhood, instilling a sense of collective responsibility enables members of a group to want to make progress together.
“It’s not with a critic’s heart, but to help make things better,” Jackson said. “How can you show up in your city or town? Instead of letting other people do it, how can you contribute to the well-being of your area? Honestly, this sounds really silly, but it can even be picking up trash.”
Truly, a trash clean-up group would also be a great place to make connections. Or at a city hall meeting. Or by decorating for the annual fall festival. Or while planting herbs in a community garden.
Jackson added that the goal is to get to a place of being able to say: “I didn’t necessarily do this for me. I did this because I feel collectively responsible for where I live.”
Let go of the need to be transactional.
Without noticing, many of us have likely taken on a habit of building transactional relationships, considering that the “tit-for-tat” motif is so intrinsic to how business and politics work all around us.
But Jackson said the healthiest, most genuine relationships come from giving without expecting anything in return. Having social skills inherently requires you to decenter yourself.
“Community means I’m giving to you because I want to be a contributing member of my community. I’m not necessarily looking to get something back for it,” Jackson said. “If you think about it, how communal is it if we’re just going back and forth to one another? It has to be expansive in some way. It has to go beyond me.”
That can look like tangibly helping someone in need or from a marginalized community. Provide resources like money, food, or childcare, or know how to connect people to resources that you might not be able to provide yourself.
“Just look for opportunities to be generous,” Jackson said.
Connect to something greater than yourself.
While the desire to be a better friend or neighbor may come from a place of self-fulfillment, all of these ideas culminate in the reality that truly acting in solidarity with one’s community means building something beyond our individual lives.
Jackson summarizes three kinds of loneliness: Intimate, relational, and collective.
Intimate loneliness is the lack of feeling deeply known and is usually alleviated by relationships with romantic partners or best friends.
Relational loneliness is a lack of relationships among friends and colleagues who know you (and you know them) well.
“Collective loneliness,” Jackson said, “is when you feel like you don’t belong to something greater than yourself.”
Some people might satisfy this by being part of a specific religious institution, or a special interest group or organization. But many of us lack this kind of larger kinship. That’s where volunteering, showing up at town halls, picking up litter, or creating deeper bonds with the people we already know come into play.
“If we want to feel that way,” Jackson said, “we have to start acting like we’re a part of something bigger than ourselves, something bigger than our little bubbles.”
A version of this article was originally published in The 2024 Helpers Edition of the Goodnewspaper.
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